Sometime life plays out perfectly. Other times...well, other times...
Other times things don't go exactly as planned or hoped for.
I wrote a blog post back in July - coming upon a year ago - about some things I was waiting for. Well, all of those things have now reached their resolution. But first...
I was talking about "disposition" to my students today, an abstract concept difficult to make concrete. I likened the difference between disposition and mood to the difference between climate and weather.
I don't know if they got it. (Ironically enough, I am self-diagnosed as having a moody disposition).
I am very affected by my circumstances.
I do not like this about myself, but it is who I am. Not that I'm making excuses not to change, but I find trying to change like trying to swim upstream against a current much stronger than myself. The end result is always the same. I get tired. I give up. I go with the current.
All that being said, part of my disposition is believing that when things are going too well, something's bound to go wrong.
Maybe it's part of my disposition because it usually proves to be true.
Case in point:
A few months ago I wrote about my dream coming true of becoming a published author. Mere weeks after my book finally came out, my publisher received a serious medical diagnosis. Although her very positive attitude (her disposition, as it is), prompted her to proclaim that she hoped to be back on her feet by August, I had a sinking feeling. A feeling that was corroborated a few weeks ago when I received a letter from her stating that she was closing her doors. It is not as though my dream has lasted only four months - after all, I will forever be a published author, that doesn't change - but I now face either selling my remaining inventory and being done, or somehow finding another publisher. Just not quite how I thought this would play out.
Circumstance number two:
I will not fill you in on all the details of my property battle, since I wrote about it here and here, so you can go back and get filled in if you want. And, quite honestly, I'm sick of the subject. Well, as of today, it is over. I settled with the title company for a few thousand less than what I wanted, but, knowing they weren't going to offer me any more, and just wanting this done, I accepted. Unfortunately, I gained none of my property back in the process, which means we're just going to have to move the fence when the weather warms up (which still won't net me all of it, since the neighbors' house is over the line and I can't do anything about that), and then sit back and enjoy the fireworks I know will be set off between us and them, since they still think I'm the one encroaching on their property.
Circumstance number three:
Back at the beginning of December, I wrote about my fiance's ex-wife, who is certifiable (I have even more - recent - proof than what I mentioned there, but that's another blog post). Unfortunately, because of her insane behavior being compounded by a 9 year old daughter that has a lying problem (often directed at me), we had to go with Plan B for the 9yo's spring break, which mostly included my boys and I not having any contact with said child. While much of her time will be spent with her older brother and sister here, it does also mean that my man is away from home while he spends time with her. It's unfortunate, how some people just don't understand or care how lying and being generally immoral erodes away at relationships. Fortunately, we only have to make this concession for a couple days, as it was originally supposed to be quite a few longer, but a blizzard-induced shut-down at DIA delayed her arrival, so I am tying to be thankful rather than resentful. I wish I could say I was successful. In truth, I am only moderately so.
And the final circumstance:
Since the trip I took to Spain and Morocco back in the summer of 2013, I have been wanting desperately to return to the latter country. I spent only three days there, and it was just a tease. My man and I were planning to go back this summer. Unfortunately, a major snag in the plan - Ramadan falls during our travel window, and hunting around for food for almost two weeks did not sound like a fun adventure to add to our vacation - meant another Plan B. So, we decided to head somewhere else - which I am completely excited about, probably even moreso than Morocco, but it has left me wondering when I will get back there... Things change so quickly in our world these days that it may not be safe much longer. In the meantime, though, we are trying to up our gym time to prepare to climb a mountain in our as-of-yet unreleased-to-the-public destination.
I am left hoping the few things that are still amazing - the love I've found, my children, my health and the health of my loved ones, my job - remain untouched for a while. It's not like the disappointments I wrote about are huge by any means (in fact, I do realize they're first-world problems), but my disposition is crying for a reprieve for a while, at least until these issues are worked out.